November 2006
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
I often get questions on how to handle aggressive behavior in kids.
From tiny toddlers to teenagers - no matter how 'good' of a parent
you are - it will happen, so you need to be prepared to deal with
it...
Why do 'good' kids get aggressive? What should I do?
Let's start with a few stories that I've heard from parents...
"My son just turned two, he was such a good boy and now all
of a sudden he has started hitting. I don't know why it happened.
He doesn't just hit me, he also hits other kids. I don't know what
to do!"
My first question was, "What do you do when he hits someone?"
Answer: "Well, I send him to his room for a punishment."
Question: "Are you emotionally engaged when you send him to
his room?"
Answer: "Yes of course, I am very upset and I want to make sure
that he knows how upset I am by his bad behavior. I really don't know
where he gets it from since I never hit him... Only if he touches
something he shouldn't, then I slap his hand. He knows that though,
and stops right away."
Here's a few more very common stories...
"I send my 3 year old daughter to her room whenever she does
something she shouldn't do. Also, I insist that she take a nap every
day in the afternoon. But whenever I send her to her room, she starts
to destroy everything... including the furniture and toys! Yet I really
do need a couple of hours quiet time for myself! What should I do?"
"My 5 year old is in Kindergarten. Whenever it doesn't go her
way she starts to hit the other kids. Sometime she bites. The other
kids don't want to play with her anymore."
"My 14 year old son threatens to hit me if I ask him to help
me with anything. Since I am afraid of him, I let him be and do it
myself."
Do any of these stories sound familiar?
- But exactly where is this aggression coming from?
- Where do kids learn it?
- Is it something they can NOT control?
- And the most important question to us as parents, how do we change
it?
Let's look at possible sources for the aggression...
- Kids learn most often by imitation: Like the
mom who slaps the child's hand. To her it is not conscious at all
that his hitting other children was most likely copied from her
slapping his hands. Some kids may experience aggression in a play
group and then try it out on others.
- From frustration: Sometimes violent tantrums
can grow from frustration to the point that the child can no longer
control him/herself. They get so mad that they start to destroy
everything around them. That kind of out-of-control violent tantrum
can be dangerous in that the child can hurt themselves or others.
(These are best handled when they first appear, usually when child
is still quite small.)
- By the result it creates: One of the main questions
to ask yourself is, "Is the aggressive behavior creating the
desired result for the child?" If so, why would they want to
stop? In the case of the 14 year old in my story, the aggressive
attitude works so great (ie, he doesn't have to do what his mom
wants him to), why would he ever consider changing?
- Too much playing of violent video games or watching TV
can cause aggression: According to a Stanford University
Medical Center study, they found that reducing the overall amount
of time children spent watching television and playing video games
led to anywhere from a 25% to 50% reduction in aggressive behavior
toward their peers.
- By experimenting: At some point nearly all toddlers
are just curious and are trying out something new. Remember... they
are two years old now and can do anything! Yet if not held accountable
for their behavior, aggression can develop into a nasty habit.
But so what!!??
Even if you have figured out exactly WHY your child is aggressive,
that really doesn't make it any easier to live with!
So often I hear parents tell me that their child has been "diagnosed"
with a particular behavior problem. They go to great lengths to explain
to me WHY their little darling child can't be expected to follow instructions!
And of course, since their child is actually quite smart, he/she
takes full advantage of this excuse list. They prove on a daily basis
that as is expected, they can NOT follow instructions!
So instead of being curious and looking to see HOW to change the
child's behavior, the label becomes the reason why and simply an excuse
why there's no use even trying. The big question for you is...
What are YOU going to do about it!?!?
Are YOU willing to do whatever it takes to change
your child's unwanted behavior? You are the person who cares most
about your child and his/her behavior.
Here's another little story...
One mom I have been recently working with has a 5 year old mentally
challenged son. After 4 years of constant struggle, she and her husband
decided to hold him accountable using the tools of the Mom Has Fun
Parenting Method.
The results where amazing. The child still showed aggression, but
when held accountable by mom or dad with an agreed-upon consequence,
he quickly chilled out. He often later goes and tries again, but the
consequence is simply applied (unemotionally) again. In just one year
he made amazing progress.
Then they had to put him in a special kindergarten, with specially
trained teachers. The parents thought, "Great! Now our son is
finally in trained hands!!" Yet in kindergarten when he showed
aggression because he couldn't do or have something the way he wanted,
the teachers were overwhelmed! They had no idea what to do!
So the mom talked with the teachers and told them exactly what she
did in situations like that and explained how well it worked for her.
But... they still refused to use this tool that was clearly working!
Here's the real point... believe it or not, this simple approach
of setting boundaries and consequences is the PRIMARY tool you need
to master to solve all those "aggressive" child problems
I told you about - regardless of whether your child is especially
"difficult" or not. (For those semi-hysterical, out-of-control,
aggressive tantrums, we use our "firm but gentle holding"
technique until the child calms down enough to apply normal consequences.)
Is ANY behavior situation solvable?
My answer is yes, I believe that any behavioral problem can be solved.
I'm not saying it will be easy! It may take a long time, and demand
much effort, curiosity and creativity on your part. But I do believe
your child is worth it. He/she deserves at the very least, your best
effort.
Although it may be easier in the short run to let things slide, in
the long run, it is a real disservice to your child to let their misbehavior
continue and turn into an ingrained habit pattern. Bottom line, if
the child's behavior is no longer fun for you, do yourself (and them!)
a big favor by nipping it in the bud!
Even after nearly 20 years I still go back to that same basic premise
of the Mom Has Fun method... I ask myself, "Is this kind of behavior
really fun for me?" If not, then I know a solution must be found...
for my child's sake and also for my own sanity!
Next I ask myself, "What kind of behavior do I really need in
order to be able to have fun as a mom?" After I determine what
that is, I simply look at possible solutions to get there. Then I
continue to experiment with the situation until I find what works.
But the main thing is, I simply don't take excuses and I never give
up!
Only half a brain
I think it is best to end with another story. This time the story
is about a famous human potential researcher, Dr. Glen Doman. Dr.
Doman mainly works with brain damaged children. One of his famous
stories is about a girl who was born with literally only half a brain.
In any normal environment, this severe condition would have doomed
her to a life in bed as a "vegetable". But what Dr. Doman,
his staff and the enormous effort of the parents accomplished, is
that this girl actually ended up with a college degree.
Just think... a normal life plus a college degree!! If that is possible
with HALF-a-brain, what can you and I do with a WHOLE
brain?
* News * News * News *
We've just added a great new free audio you can listen to. It's an
interview of Nicole done by Louise Geaney of Go-Mums in Ireland. The
interview touches on many different important topics such as: why
parenting is so different today, the difference between discipline
and punishment, how the Mom Has Fun Parenting Method was developed,
why parenting as a coach is a great model, the importance of accountability,
admitting mistakes, and why there are no quick fixes.
Click here to see the list of free audios.
Speaking of 'no-quick-fixes', be sure to read about the new 120-Day
Mom Has Fun Parenting Method Home Study Course -- it leads you through
implementing this method in your own family -- gradually, step by
step.
Find out how to implement boundaries and consequences that really
work. Learn the tools you need to handle power struggles and how to
hold your child accountable without punishment. Change your underlying
unconscious parenting patterns (hint: the first step is to become
aware of them!) so that you and your entire family have much more
fun! All this and much much more.
Click here to
read about the 120-day course.
Plus you'll get a discount just
for being a newsletter subscriber. Check your newsletter for your
discount code.
Click here for
a detailed outline of the course.
(C) 2006 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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