June 2006
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
This month our topic is complaining. If done consciously, taking
some time TO complain can be a fun process that actually LIGHTENS
everyone's mood! Don't believe me? Read on and see...
Quotes for the Month
"Never complain and never explain."
- Benjamin Disraeli
(also attributed to Henry Ford, Katharine Hepburn and others)
"I personally think we developed language because of our
deep need to complain."
- Lily Tomlin
I thought you'd enjoy these two seemingly "opposite" quotes,
as I think BOTH are quite appropriate for this month's topic!
Have a family complaint break...
take time TO complain!
Normally, we learn to think of complaining as 'bad' or at best, a
pointless waste of time. Nobody really enjoys hearing others whine
and complain. It's not much fun to be around complainers, either kids
or adults. If this is left to grow in kids, it can develop into a
deep unconscious pattern. And it's safe to say that habitual complaining
is NOT high on the list of character traits that parents try to teach
their kids! In fact, in my house, we even have a rule, "No complaining"
and consequences that apply when it's broken.
So why on earth would I now suggest that you take some time TO complain?!
Simply because sometimes taking a "complaint break" is the
perfect antidote that can quickly "break" a dissatisfied
unhappy mood.
Let's start with a short story to illustrate...
One time when he was small, my son Ian and I were taking a long hike
up a mountain in Switzerland. We agreed upon the ground rules in advance.
We both knew it would be a long hot hike, but there was to be no complaining
from either of us. We also agreed that if there was no complaining,
then as our "reward" when we reached the lodge at the top,
we'd sit and order a nice cold drink and an ice cream.
We walked and walked for nearly two hours. It was hotter than I had
expected and the hike seemed much longer and the road much steeper
than I remembered. My feet were getting quite tired and my shoes pinched
my toes. I could sense that Ian was getting quite tired too. But he
was a trooper and did not complain, only asking, "How much longer?"
I told him it was only a few more turns in the trail since that's
what I remembered. But then we went those turns, then a few more turns,
a few more, and on and on... and still we were not there! I could
feel the mood getting more and more tense. Neither of us was enjoying
ourselves one bit. We were both trying hard to suppress the whining
and complaints that were boiling away in our minds. Since we had agreed
to no complaints, we were both determined, by sheer will power, NOT
to complain, no matter what!
Finally I stopped and said to Ian, "I don't know about you but
I need a complaint break! I know we both agreed to not complain, but
I really need to. How about we agree to take the next ten minutes
and complain as much as we want?" Ian readily agreed.
So on we marched up the hill... But this time, I whined loudly, "My
feet hurt! I'm TIIIRRRED!!" Ian chimed in, "I'm thirsty!
This is the worst walk ever! It's WAAAY TOOOO far!" We loudly
and enthusiastically voiced every complaint and whiny thought that
we had been holding in. It soon became almost a game, each one of
us trying to 'out-complain' the other. Then an odd thing happened...
we both got rather quiet as we continued to trudge along.
I looked at my watch. The 10 minutes wasn't even up yet. I waited
a little bit longer and then asked Ian, "You done?" "Yeah,"
he said, "I can't think of anything else." "Yeah, me
too," I said, "I'm done." We smiled at each other and
continued up the hill, our "complaint break" over.
However, now the mood had shifted dramatically. I noticed that the
unvoiced complaints that had been running rampant in my mind were
now completely gone. We both chatted and laughed happily for the rest
of the walk. And what's more, when we got to the lodge, we discovered
it was closed!! But instead of being something to complain about,
we both burst out laughing! It seemed absurdly funny that we had walked
all that way only to find it closed!
Now let's look at how you can use this too...
We all make plans and set out to do things, but sometimes everything
just seems to go wrong. It can be frustrating and annoying when life
does not go as you wish. The traffic is backed up so you're late,
it's pouring rain on family reunion day, you dribble onto your shirt
front on your way to an important meeting, the babysitter cancels
at the last minute, dinner is burned, the bathtub overflows... there
are thousands of possible daily annoyances to contend with. And although
normally they roll right off, sometimes they just seem to add up to
a breaking point. And while I've just listed examples of adult frustrations
here, it's pretty easy to see that this applies to kids as well. They
too have their share of daily things that just don't go "right".
At this point, trying to suppress, control and resist the complaining
thoughts can have the opposite effect... it increases them! There
is even a saying that, "What you resist, persists!" Taking
a complaint break will often clear the air and lighten the mood. Once
all the complaining thoughts are actually expressed verbally, they
tend to dissipate.
However, there are some important ground rules for an effective complaint
break...
- There must be a conscious decision to do it. Everyone participating
in the complaining session knows it's special and not the norm.
- A specific, short time period must be agreed upon. Ten minutes
is usually more than enough. You'll be amazed how quickly you run
out of complaints!
- No personal attacks or "make-wrong's" of another family
member are allowed. It's a general complaint session, not a fault-finding
mission. Other than that, everybody's complaint is OK. They can complain
about whatever they want to.
- Complaints should be loud and enthusiastic. Everyone should complain
with gusto!
- Whining is good too. You can exaggerate here and you may find yourself
having fun with it! Kids often find it totally hilarious to hear their
parents using their annoying whiny voice.
- You can take turns complaining and have everyone else 'agree' and
encourage the complainer. Like, "Yeah, that's right! What else?"
Or you can have just a more free flowing complaint session where everyone
chimes in as needed.
- Some families actually schedule a complaining time. Like Wednesday
night at 8pm is complaining time. You can give this method a try and
if it works for you, keep it. Or you can do it like we do in our family:
just notice when there seems to be a particular need for a complaint
session and have an impromptu one.
If the need arises, give this a try in your family. I think you'll
be surprised by how it starts out rather seriously but soon degrades
into a general family laugh session!
* News * News * News *
We told you the Swiss parenting magazine article was coming and it
finally did! The 4-page article about Nicole and her family finally
came out in the June issue of Wir Eltern. We haven't had time to translate
it yet, but as soon as it's ready we'll let you know. And to get things
ready for our German speaking parents, we've created a completely
separate German language web site. So if you have any German speaking
friends, you can send them to:
www.mamahatspass.com
On the English website, we've added some great new free material
for you. There is now a link to a recent audio interview of Nicole
done by Carrie Lauth for Natural Mom's Talk Radio. Go to:
Free Audios
Then click on the "Click here to Listen" link. A new browser
window will open for Carrie's site. Click on the "Listen Now"
button, and a small window will appear. You can then use either the
small red/blue button to start listening, or click on "Download
the Mp3" to start up your own preferred audio player (like Windows
Media, RealPlayer, etc.). Yes, it's a LOT of clicks, I know! But trust
me, it's worth it! It's an excellent overview of the Mom Has Fun Parenting
Method.
Nicole and the entire family are back in Houston, Texas right now,
but this year their stay in the USA will be shorter than usual. It's
back to Switzerland for everyone in early July. But no worries, you
don't have to wait for Nicole to visit your town in person to get
more parenting help... with the new
120-Day Home Study Course you
can be anywhere in the world that's connected to email, and still
get all the help you want.
The feedback we've been getting from this new course has been excellent.
It's an incredible value, packing in the material equivalent to roughly
4 one-day classes. In fact, one of the most common remarks we are
getting from folks is that 120-days is still too FAST! There is so
much to learn!
(C) 2006 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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