May 2006
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
This month our topic is patterns and pattern-interrupts, and how
they affect you and your children.
But before we get to that, you may have noticed a new look on our
website and in all our communications to you. Here's why...
We've been quite busy lately expanding the products we can offer
you. We've got more than just a book and big plans to keep on growing!
We looked at the names "MacKenzie Responsive Parenting"
and "Nue Nue Education", and decided that they just didn't
say who we are in a nutshell. As a result, we are now happy to announce
the "Mom Has Fun Parenting Method" along with our new company,
"Mom Has Fun Education". So when you see these names in
the future, yes it's still us!
Quote for the Month
"Our character is basically a composite of our habits.
Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns,
they constantly, daily, express our character..."
- Stephen R. Covey
Best selling author, most noted for his book:
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
Patterns and Pattern-Interrupts -
Why are they Important?
If you've read my book or have been following my newsletters, you've
probably heard me use the term 'pattern-interrupt' before. Especially
when giving kids a time-out or other consequence, since the goal is
for that to be a pattern-interrupt, not a punishment.
Being aware of patterns and utilizing pattern-interrupts is an important
aspect of parenting. Not only do we often notice patterns that are
not working in our kids, we as parents fall into our own patterns
too.
How do patterns work?
A pattern is a certain behavior we fall into. Often it is unconscious
and automatic. A pattern gets built either through observation or
experiencing it over a long period of time. It then becomes ingrained
and habitual.
Here's how patterns develop in kids
Children are always trying out and experimenting with new behaviors.
Lets say a 2-year-old, who just is starting to stand up for his own
power, discovers that that if he doesn’t want to do something,
he just has to start screaming and throw a fit. His Mom then gets
all upset and gives him all of her attention.
Mom is uncertain what to do. She certainly doesn't want to do the
'wrong' thing, but the screaming is completely unnerving and all she
wants is for him to stop! She feels helpless on how to respond and
she's likely to just let the child have whatever he wants in order
to restore peace and quiet.
For the little boy, the result is that he has proven his power. He
got Moms total attention and probably got whatever he wanted. Since
that behavior got the desired response, the boy files it in his brain
under "behavior that works" for him. He will therefore use
it again, and again, and... again!
For the first little while, the little boy uses the behavior like
a fun game to play with Mom. But after a while it stops being a game
and it becomes a habit. Now, whenever he doesn’t want to do
something, he screams and throws a fit, going completely on automatic.
It's not a game anymore. His brain gets the signal, opens the filing
drawer where "things that work" are filed, pulls out the
tantrum response and applies it. Now the boy has an unconscious pattern.
Parents have patterns too
Parents not only have emotional patterns they fall into (many of
which were created in their own childhood), they now also have parenting
patterns. Let's look at what I mean...
Until you become a parent yourself you are most likely not aware
of these already existing parenting patterns that are filed away in
your brain. We all pick up this kind of pattern as children from our
parents. By watching and experiencing our own parents for 2 decades
or more, certain parenting behaviors become ingrained.
Then with our own children, the pattern starts to manifest all of
a sudden. Very often we don't even realize that we are reacting out
of an old learned pattern. We don't even know where our reaction to
something comes from. And even if we do not currently agree with the
parenting style our parents used, we will still, unconsciously fall
into this pattern trap.
Example
When my sister and I were kids we'd come home from school, take off
our shoes and jackets and leave them lying right there on the floor.
My mom would tell us to pick them up and put them away. However, very
often we would, on purpose, wait and not do it. After repeating herself
several times, she would just go, pick up everything herself and put
it all away for us. When she did that, she would feel like a victim
and become quite resentful. And even though my sister and I could
feel the under current of emotions, we still did not have to pick
up our stuff! It was a sort of "quiet power struggle" which
my sister and I usually won!
After I had children of my own, I fell into exactly that same pattern!
I picked up after my kids and became the victim. Logically though,
it took less energy and time to quickly do it myself rather than try
to get my kids to pick up. But I still became unhappy and resentful
afterwards without really seeing why.
At first I could not even see the pattern. It took a while to build
my awareness. Then I finally started noticing it, yet it was only
afterwards when I reflected quietly that I could see what had happened.
The next step was that I could actually see it coming and consciously
stop. And the last step was to change my response and hold my kids
accountable to picking up after themselves! Finally, after doing this
very consciously for a while, I was able to replace my parenting pattern
with a new one. After a while, the new more effective response became
a habit and started to become the automatic pattern.
Patterns and time
There's definitely a relationship with patterns and time. The less
time a pattern has been used, the easier it is to 'break'. This is
why working to change a pattern in small children is so much easier
than working with teens or adults. The little ones simply haven't
had that much time yet to deeply ingrain the pattern!
Look again at the 2-year-old-boy example... If you intervene without
judgment or criticism and you hold him accountable right away, his
screaming and throwing tantrums is actually quite easy to break. You
can sit the child in time-out the minute he starts, let him go through
his tantrum and then insist on him following through with the original
instructions.
I won't go into all the details here since I've covered this in past
newsletters (available online). But with a very young child who is
just starting to experiment with tantrums, you should be able to change
this sort of behavior in just a couple of days! If the pattern has
been going on for a longer period of time, it just will take a little
more patience on your part.
Changing YOUR patterns
The opposite is also true... the more the pattern has been used,
the deeper and more ingrained it is, and the longer it takes to bring
it to conscious awareness and then change it.
This is part of the reason why most parenting methods are only partially
successful. They give you valuable tools which you can apply and you'll
get a certain amount of success. But for many parents, the new tools
work for a little while, but they then fall back into their same old
parenting rut. That's because in order to change the underlying unconscious
parenting patterns, a longer term approach is needed. I wish it were
different, but unfortunately there are no quick-fix magic-bullets
for changing your own parenting patterns!
The stages of changing patterns
- The pattern is unconscious, on-automatic, not even seen
- You still fall into the pattern but now you notice it
- You now consciously catch yourself before you fall into the pattern
and therefore have a choice on how you respond
- The new response has to be consciously applied, it still takes
effort
- The new pattern is now 'programmed in' and you respond again on-automatic,
but now in a much more effective way
Look for the habitual patterns in yourself and in your child, both
long term ones and ones that are just starting to develop. Become
aware of them and try to get curious. See if you can find more effective
ways to respond and build a new pattern.
* News * News * News *
Breaking patterns is absolutely vital to making long lasting changes.
This is the main reason we have created a 120-day Home Study course
for parents wanting more in-depth step-by-step instruction in the
Mom Has Fun parenting method. It's the most effective way to build
awareness, drop old patterns and create new more effective ones.
We gave you a sneak preview in last month's newsletter, but now we're
really ready! Click here to read about
the Home Study Course
(C) 2006 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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