April 2006
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
This month's topics are straight out of our mailbox.
Building 'stick-to-it-iveness' in your child
One parent writes and says that her child has a habit of just trying
to do something once and then quitting. The child then gets frustrated,
insists "I can't do it" and wants it to be done for him.
If you can assist your child in developing a trait of perseverance
and persistence while still young, this will be of great benefit to
them throughout their life. The trick is to do it without being phony
and without pressure.
Here's what I recommend...
First determine if your child is playing the "helpless"
game. If they've done the task before successfully it's most likely
a game. They may want attention or they may just want you to do it
for them. (Emotional manipulation games are not addressed in this
newsletter topic, but I do cover it more in my book.)
However, if the child is NOT playing a game, then the next step is
to determine if the task is something the child is truly capable of
doing. Can the child physically do it? Have they had detailed enough
instructions to solve the problem? If not, start with that. Show the
small child how to get the step stool and be able to safely reach
a higher shelf. Or maybe it's a homework assignment that your child
truly doesn't understand. Go over the instructions with them, see
what isn't clear and fill in the gaps. Basically, give them just enough
assistance so you now know they really can do it.
Then try this... Tell your child with a very calm and even voice
that you know he can do it and you're going to help him stick with
it until it gets done. It's important that you be unemotionally engaged.
If you're angry or frustrated yourself then you need to shift your
mood first before you can assist your child. If your child is in a
frustrated funk or whiny about not being able to do the task, then
you need to assist them in breaking their mood so they can try again
fresh.
A good mood breaker is to shift the focus temporarily to something
else. A physical break often works, like he must do 4 jumping-jack's
or run up and down the stairs twice. Then it's time to try again.
If they try and fail and get into a funk again, you may have to repeat
the mood-breaker step.
You must be 100% committed to following through until your child
actually does accomplish the task. You can't give in or stop part
way through the process. And above all, you can't do it for them.
One thing that usually does NOT work is to encourage your child with
that rather cheerleader style, "false" enthusiasm voice,
like "Come on Johnny, you can do it, I know you can!" sort
of thing. This can sound phony and insincere and actually backfire.
The more you excitedly tell the child "You can do it", the
more they'll resist and not want to do it at all.
Throughout the process, having a firm, calm, unemotional attitude
works best. It is important for you to have a clear intention that
your child accomplish the task, but without an emotional pressure
for them to do it. They are not bad or wrong or stupid, etc. The more
you can demonstrate your own ability to calmly, consistently and relentlessly
stay with it to see that they accomplish the task, the more they will
learn the trait of perseverance.
Once your child has finally accomplished the task, you can tell him
what a great job he has done. Your child will most likely be quite
proud of himself! Make your acknowledgment age-appropriate and always
honest and sincere. For a small child it might be applause, for an
older child just a sincere "Good job!" may be what's needed.
Your kids don't need to feel 'bad' to be 'good'
Several parents have written me in dismay that their children don't
feel bad or guilty when they are upset with them. They may even recall
how bad they themselves felt as a youngster when their own parents
were angry.
Although this may be what many of us experienced growing up, I don't
believe it is a necessary part of being an effective parent. In fact,
as I've continued to work with thousands of parents and children over
the past 17 years, I've noticed the opposite. In my experience, the
feelings of anger/guilt, and the judgments of right/wrong, bad/good
are actually obstacles.
This is why in Mom Has Fun Parenting, I teach parents how to avoid
criticism and stay emotionally disengaged when their kids make mistakes
(i.e., cross the rule boundaries). To clarify, this is by no means
anything at all like what people commonly call "cold" or
emotionally "distant". In fact, the parents I've trained
in Mom Has Fun Parenting report that the more they stay emotionally
disengaged (less anger, punishment, reaction, pressure, arguing, etc.)
while holding their kids accountable, then the more effective they
become as parents. The parents are able to have more compassion and
appreciation for their kids, and to experience a deeper more honest
connection. There is more cooperation in the family and everyone has
more fun.
So the goal is not to have your kids feel guilty about being 'bad',
but instead to hold them accountable to the boundaries (rules) and
consequences you set in advance. Breaking the rule then has a consequence
that was picked by the child. It's also much easier for a child to
cheerfully try again when they're not deeply stuck in feelings of
guilt or being wrong.
Here's another way to think about it... Would you want your child
to feel bad or guilty after they have fallen down while learning to
ride a bicycle? Of course not! You'd want them to pick themselves
up, look to see how they lost their balance, how to improve, and to
get back on the bike and try again. You'd encourage them, give them
pointers on how to do it better, and acknowledge them when they did
it well.
I know that's a simplistic analogy, but try keeping it in mind the
next time your child misbehaves. Take an emotional step back and don't
take their misbehavior personally. This will greatly assist both you
and your child. It'll be easier for you to see the appropriate response,
and easier for them to move towards the behavior you do want.
Exciting news, what's coming up...
The exciting news is that Nicole and her family are being featured
in the May issue of the biggest parenting magazine in Switzerland!
The article is done and on the editors desk right now. It describes
her Mom Has Fun Parenting Method and includes photos of the whole
family in their home in Switzerland. We are all quite excited about
this, and as soon as the article comes out we'll translate it into
English and post it on our website for you all to read.
But here's what's even better...
Because the demand for Mom Has Fun Parenting is spreading far and
wide, it's becoming more and more difficult to reach everyone with
traditional classroom style parenting seminars. So, Nicole has been
busy creating a completely new type of internet based parenting class!
This will be a totally self-paced home study course that anyone can
do anywhere in the world.
It's a 120-day intensive course. There are 12 lessons with homework
and exercises that will lead you through, step-by-step, exactly HOW
to build your awareness and not get emotionally engaged with your
kids. It takes you through setting boundaries, consequences, how to
do team meetings, appreciation meetings, tricks to keep you in curiosity,
and much much more.
We presently have a few people testing it out for us and the response
has been fantastic. Even after just lesson 3, people are telling us
that the results are astounding - they're happier, the kids are happier
and better behaved. And that's just the awareness-building part -
way BEFORE you ever even set boundaries and consequences for your
kids or make any changes in how you parent!
If you liked the free 4-part e-class we gave you, you'll love this
new course. Think of that quick e-class like one of those tasty but
small appetizers handed out at the party. In comparison, this 120-day
home study course is a full-on sit-down 12-course gourmet meal! So
stay tuned. We'll be offering a special introductory price to all
our newsletter subscribers.
Click here to read about
the Home Study Course
(C) 2006 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
|
