March 2006
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
This month's parenting topic is on coaching your kids instead of
controlling them. Do you know the essential differences?
Coaching vs. Controlling your Kids -
What's the Difference?
Before we get into the discussion, lets look quickly at what the
dictionary says so you can get a sense of the difference:
Control = regulate, restrain, rule, have power over
Coach = train intensively, as by instruction and demonstration
Now ask yourself... if you were on the receiving end, which would
you rather be? Coached or controlled? No surprise here, it's just
human nature. Nobody likes being controlled. They naturally resist
and rebel. But human beings (especially children) love to learn new
things and master new skills, so instructing someone produces very
different results!
Looking More at Controlling...
Controlling has a sense of judgment within it. It has a flavor to
it that implies the other person is not capable of doing it on their
own.
Controlling is telling someone what you want or don't want, but not
giving precise instructions on what that is, or showing him or her
what you want. There is no real learning taking place. Controlling
is disempowering and no fun on either end - for the person doing the
controlling or the one being controlled.
Controlling is most often ineffective since your kids will have a
tendency to tune you out and ignore you. It's also a big time and
energy drain - you're constantly being the "police". And
if the kids don't behave as you want, you usually get even MORE emotionally
engaged. Now you're not just controlling, you are also mad.
When controlling, you know what's right and you want to impose that
on the child without giving them room to make mistakes. There is no
room for the kids to experiment with the instructions and learn from
their mistakes.
Controlling never brings out the best in a child. And by it's nature
it is an invitation for a struggle - a big juicy power struggle! Surprisingly,
controlling really has nothing to do with true discipline.
Here are some examples...
You're in the grocery store and see a mom with her small child. She's
constantly after him: "Stop that! Don't touch that! Put that
back! You are so naughty!" And here's a classic: "Stop whining
at me! I hate it when you use that voice!"
You can see that there are no real instructions for what the parent
does want in terms of behavior. Instead, there is just a constant
stream of scolding, criticism and nagging. These are all controlling
because there is no system of discipline being used. And without a
system, it's very easy to fall into the habit of controlling - or
more accurately, attempting to control - your kids!
Looking More at Coaching...
A good coach sees what a child is capable of doing and what his talents
are. The coach uses discipline to bring those talents forward and
to improve and enhance those talents. Coaching brings out the brilliance
in kids.
A good coach knows that kids naturally love to perform well and love
to please. Coaching is giving very clear and precise instructions
on HOW that can done - showing the kids by example what is wanted.
Coaches expect mistakes and even welcome them. They don't expect
the kids to be perfect and they don't even want the kids to be perfect.
For real learning, the kids must be able to fall down, fail and make
their own way.
Coaching preserves and nurtures kids natural wonder, the curiosity,
the need for adventure, experimenting and trying out completely new
ways of doing things.
So now the obvious question becomes, how as a parent, do you ensure
that what you are doing is coaching and not controlling?
The Two Most Important Elements:
- Clear instructions on what you DO want.
- A system of discipline which includes clear boundaries (but with
some freedom) and consequences, agreed upon in advance.
Let's go back to those examples...
Now let's say mom gives her child very clear instructions on what
the "whiny voice" is that she doesn't like, and has also
given an example of the voice she does want. The child practices the
various voices and mom gives feedback so the child knows exactly what
is expected. Mom then makes a rule about not using the whiny voice,
and an appropriate consequence is set. (The consequence can even be
something fun and simple like do 5 jumping jacks.)
From then on if the child uses the whiny voice, mom can say, "Try
that again in your awesome voice." Since the child has practiced
the awesome voice before with mom, he knows exactly what is expected.
He is either going to switch to the voice mom wants or do his consequence.
After the consequence, the child tries again to ask in the awesome
voice.
Now you are simply holding the child accountable to what was agreed
upon in advance. It is much easier to stay emotionally unengaged.
You are now applying true coaching.
And for the mom in the grocery store... Before going shopping she
sets the rules. "When we go through the store you have to stay
walking next to me all the time or you can ride in the cart. You can't
touch anything without asking me first and you can't ask to get any
candy. If you do, the consequence will be a time-out right there and
then." Now, with clear boundaries, the child knows exactly what
is expected. This relieves the stress and pressure of control so both
mom and child can now have a much greater chance of having a pleasant
shopping experience!
Freedom Within Boundaries
This may seem like a strange dichotomy, but it is essential. When
you create the boundaries for your child be sure to leave some room
for mistakes! You will get much better results that way. If you over-prescribe
every nit-picky thing, rules get oppressive and rigid. Then the child
can't even take a step on their own or try anything new. This crushes
their spirit and innate intelligence because they can't satisfy their
natural sense of wonder and adventure.
Kids need to explore and make mistakes since that's where so much
learning occurs. Make the boundaries appropriate for their age, their
safety and just what factors you honestly need in your environment
to be happy. Then let them go. If mistakes happen within the larger
boundaries you most likely don't need to do anything. There'll probably
be natural consequences that takes care of it. But if they go overboard
and step outside the boundaries, you must hold them accountable and
apply the agreed upon consequence.
(C) 2006 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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