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December 2005
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
This month I've focused on labels - the good, the bad and the
pitfalls! (Forgive me Clint Eastwood... I couldn't resist
twisting your movie title.)
"Labels are for filing..."
That's a little snippet from a quote by Martina Navratilova, the
famous world tennis champion. The full quote is, "Labels are for filing.
Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people." This is not only
a great quote, it's particularly good advice for parents!
Think for a minute about all the labels that people tend to put
on their kids... lazy, stupid, hyperactive, underachiever, learning
disabled, or even just average. There is also a tendency today to
get a child tested or diagnosed by an "expert" which then makes them
"officially" ADD, ADHD, ODD, OCD... or, at the other end of the spectrum
- "gifted". But even the labels we tend to think of as "good" (like
gifted) come with inherent pitfalls...
- parents (and other adults) begin to hold a particular picture of
the child and treat them differently and have different expectations
- the child learns that the label is who they 'are', they incorporate
that into their self-image and begin to behave to match the label
- curiosity is lost for everyone... a self-fulfilling cycle is set
up that becomes increasingly harder and harder to break
But, you may
say, if that is true, why not simply label all our kids "gifted" and
then they expect them to live up to it? Because studies have shown
that the gifted label often backfires as well. Kids then feel tremendous
pressure to always be the top performer and if they are not, they
often blame their 'lack of intelligence' and quit instead of developing
better learning habits. Their sense of self worth becomes dependent
on performing well at a particular task.
So what is a parent to do?
Here's some hints on breaking up label patterns...
- Pretend that you don't "know" your children. Make it a game for
yourself to look at them as if you're meeting them for the first
time.
- When you catch yourself labeling your child, even mentally, then
stop and see if you can come up with 5 reasons why they do NOT fit
that particular label.
- Realize that we are all uniquely different - a wildly varied mixture
of areas where we excel, others where we are average, and others
where we perform poorly. Even Einstein did poorly in language and
history!
- Remember that everyone develops different skills at different
times and rates. A young child who may be considered a "slow talker"
may suddenly start talking non-stop and jump to the top of the chart
in their verbal skills.
- Make it a practice to look for how your kids have changed, how
they are different from your expectations, even how they are different
from just yesterday.
- Go easy on yourself. It's the perfectly normal "job" of the mind
to want to label things... it's the way we all learn and try to
understand the world around us. Often just noticing and being aware
of when we are labeling is enough to break the pattern and allow
us to see anew with fresh eyes.
- Above all, stay curious!!!
(C) 2005 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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