November 2005
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
1) Can you be a parent and a friend at the same time?
2) What if it's not my child? What should I do?
This month I've answered questions that parents have written in about......
Many parents worry about being strict and enforcing discipline with
their children out of fear of losing them as friends. First, if you
really look at the parent/child relationship it is quite different
from that of a friend. With none of my friends did I ever share the
deep and intimate connection that I share with my kids. If I were
ever asked if I wanted to be my child's friend instead, I would
quickly say "No way!" I consider that as quite a step down
from the connection we presently have as parent and child.
However, I do understand where you are coming from very well... How
can you keep the deep connection with your child while going through
the childhood years and at the same time holding your child accountable?
Many parents have personally experienced growing up and growing away
from a constant power struggle with their own parents. No matter what
you did as a child it was never quite good enough. For many adults
it is not always a pleasure to hang out with their own parents. With
this in mind, now that we are parents, we want to do things differently
- we want to maintain a life-long friendship and rewarding connection
with our kids. But exactly how do we do that?
Obviously, in order to get different results, you have to do things
differently than your parents did. The best way I found for myself
was through education. Out of that I developed the Mom Has Fun Parenting
system to give parents a way of doing things very differently without
having to spend as many years as I did researching parenting systems.
The biggest discovery I made that made parenting easier and more
fun was learning about two distinct "operating systems"
- the pristine operating system that we were born with and the emotional
operating system that we learn growing up. By building awareness and
curiosity while focusing on discipline without punishment, we now
have the opportunity to break the old parenting patterns and build
the type of parent/child relationship we really want.
Now, let's look at something that often gets in-between the
strong connection we all had with our parents when we were small children...
power-struggles! Two emotionally engaged parties colliding - both
parties judging each other and making each other wrong. Out of that
struggle, dishonesty, manipulation, and distrust arises and deepens.
This eventually makes it very uncomfortable to be around the people
you once loved and respected more than anyone.
The easiest way I have found to avoid power struggles is to establish
yourself as your child's "coach" instead of their
"boss". Just this change in attitude alone can make a HUGE
difference! Think of it like a sports team or a board game. All the
players on the team (your children) know the rules and the consequences
for breaking each rule. In a game the consequence may be losing a
turn or paying a fine. On your family team the consequence may be
a time-out and a cleaning assignment. But in either case, breaking
a rule is not a power-struggle anymore. No one is bad or wrong and
the emotional charge is removed from the situation.
When you are the coach of the family team, you are in charge and
you decide what you need in order to have fun. You make the rules
and you hold your child accountable to your rules. The kids can even
create their own consequences (subject to your approval of course).
This greatly lessens the chance of having a consequence turn into
a power struggle or punishment since it was clearly understood and
agreed upon in advance.
You do not have to be perfect. In fact, it is much better if you
are not perfect (or pretend to be perfect!) as long as mistakes are
looked at openly and honestly - for both parents and children alike
- without judgment and criticism. Your child's trust will deepen
when they can reliably count on such honesty and accountability all
around.
My own experience so far is very positive. In the 16 years that I
have worked with parents in this method I can see with them and with
my own family, that the respect and connection between the parents
and children has not just remained intact, it has deepened as their
children have grown older. Even the notoriously difficult teenage
years become much much easier. When the connection is one of honesty
and respect without judgment, teenagers will continue to rely on their
parents for guidance.
Bottom line, by using Mom Has Fun Parenting, it's not only a lot
more fun for you to be a parent to your child than to be a friend,
it's a lot more valuable as well. Your kids will have many friends
who may come and go throughout their life, but they will only have
one chance to have a deep parental bond and from that learn how to
become effective parents themselves.
There is often the question of how do you hold other peoples children
accountable to your rules and under what circumstances. My rule is,
if a child is visiting my home, then I expect them to follow my rules,
no matter if their parents are present or not.
For example, let's say my rule for the kids is not to hit,
and if they do, they get a time-out and then lose whatever item they
were fighting over. My friend comes to visit and brings her 3-year-old
son. While we are chatting and drinking coffee, the kids play happily
in the living room. All of a sudden, my friend's son wants a
toy from my daughter. My daughter wants it too. They start fighting
and the little boy hits her. I will immediately go over to the children
and handle the situation according to my rules. I put both kids in
time-out and take the toy away from them. So even if my friend would
have handled the situation differently, my rules apply since they
are in my home - my space.
However, if a similar kids-fighting situation happens in a restaurant,
I would always ask the other moms permission before I would hold them
both accountable to my rules. If she does not agree, then I just hold
my own daughter accountable by putting her in time-out and taking
the toy away.
It is very easy for other children to live according to your rules.
In fact, it's actually easier if the kids are not your own kids!
What you need to do is let them know what the rules are, so they can
follow them. If a child is not willing to honor my rules, the natural
consequence is simple - they are not invited back next time. This
rule applies to all ages, even teenagers.
If we visit someone else's home I do respect other peoples
rules for their space. However, if my kids step over the rules we
have in our house and I do not like the way they behave, I will still
hold them accountable. For example, in our house being rude and disrespectful
to adults is not allowed. So even if we were visiting a home where
the parents tolerated this behavior, I would not allow my children
to behave this way. They would still get a consequence regardless.
If I am in a public place and other children are misbehaving (according
to my rules) and my children are not involved, then I nearly always
stay out of it completely. Even though it may be tempting and you
want to "help", it is rude and disrespectful to assume that
you know what's best or to give unsolicited advice. If you do,
it will nearly always backfire and make the situation worse. In only
very rare and extreme cases have I ever offered assistance and even
then I had to wait to be "invited" in by the parent.
(C) 2005 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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