October 2005
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
1) Your kids are not designed to be reasonable!
2) Punishment or consequence? How do you know?
This month the newsletter focus is on a couple common
pitfalls that I often see parents struggling with...
There is a tendency for parents today to try to constantly explain
and reason with their kids. They often think that if their child misbehaves,
they simply haven't explained the 'reason why' well enough. This leads
to constant frustration for the parents and never ending challenges
from the child.
Here's the bottom line: Reasoning is for grown-ups, not for kids!
For some reason, as adults, we have learned that if we can understand
it, explain it, and somehow prove it, that it is "right"
and we can now accept it. Many adults must look for the "why"
behind everything as the justification, and then try to approach their
children the same way.
But here's the illusion with that... the minute we are certain we
can explain something - we know 'why' - we lose our curiosity and
our ability to see and respond without judgment. One of my favorite
quotes is from Albert Einstein, "There are no answers, only questions!"
Kids are not yet steeped in reason. They are raw bundles of curiosity,
not bundles of reason! They do not need a reason for doing something!
They are curiosity based. In fact, this is one of the traits that
we all so love and enjoy and find totally refreshing about being around
children.
However, since kids are very smart, they learn very fast that simply
by asking you "Why?" they can get you all twisted up, and
most likely engage you into an argument that will evoke doubt in your
system. They love to watch you twist and turn while you try to explain
and reason with them.
When you fall into the reasoning trap, your kids learn that if they
simply keep challenging your reasons and logic then they will often
not have to comply with your rules at all!! It actually encourages
them to keep picking apart whatever you say and to be even more persistent
with their argumentative attitude. They are betting that you will
eventually give up in mental exhaustion!
Another part of this pitfall is that it is very hard to stay with
pure non-judgmental feedback if you let yourself get into a reasoning
argument.
One of my clients in England had a 12 year old girl. Both her and
her daughter came to my weekend class. After the weekend my daughter,
who was also 12 at the time, wanted to go play with her new friend.
So we went over to their house and the girls played and had a great
time.
But when it was time for us to leave, their daughter started to throw
a fit. Her Mom at first did great. She stayed cool and told her to
sit down and do a time-out. She was not emotionally engaged and was
very clear with her instructions.
The girl sat down but then engaged her mom into an argument of "why"
she had to have a time-out. So, Mom tried to be fair and explain to
her the reason behind the time-out. The more she explained, the more
the girl whined. Soon both Mom and the girl were completely engaged
in a power struggle!
At this point I stepped in and told the Mom: "The rules of time-out
are: Sit quietly with hands on your knees until you are done and ready
to do your assignment." The girl had been arguing with Mom that
the in-advance-agreed-upon-consequence was a cleaning assignment.
But when I stepped in, the girl was in no mood to go and handle her
assignment. She was completely emotionally engaged and had to shift
that attitude first.
I then coached the Mom to absolutely not talk to her daughter while
she is in time-out. The only thing she can ask is "if she is
ready to do her assignment." I warned them that it could take
quite a while.
For some parents reasoning is quite important. This is OK if you
really feel like giving your child a reason (but this is not at all
necessary). However, it works much better to give the child your reasons
*after* the consequence is totally completed. Usually by that time
the tendency to engage in a power-struggle is much less. Make sure
to do all your reason-giving when neither of you is emotionally engaged.
P.S. This was an example with an older child. But I often observe
parents of toddlers giving them long explanations 'why' they should
not do something. If you watch the toddler closely, you'll probably
see that they are simply not interested in the reason. They will usually
hear the "Don't do xyz" from Mom or Dad, but after that
the rest is "blah blah blah..." to them!
As I recently told one parent, "I would no more attempt to reason
with a toddler than I would attempt to teach him to drive
an automobile!"
I have had parents write to me saying that for discipline they have
tried using a time-out or taking away a privilege from their child,
but that it doesn't seem to work. Then when I read-between-the-lines,
it's clear that they are using these tools as a punishment and not
a consequence.
So what's the difference? This is not just semantics - there really
is a huge difference. Using a consequence as part of effective parenting
enhances a child's emotional intelligence and builds a strong connection
of trust and respect between parent and child. Punishment rarely works,
although it may seem to temporarily. Punishment suppresses, creates
resentment and is destructive to open honest communication.
The pitfall is that parents often look just at the tool they are
using rather than their own emotions and mind-set of the moment. The
real difference is in you! You can give your child a time-out and
have it be an effective consequence, and then later that same day,
do it in such a way that it becomes a destructive punishment!
No matter what form of disciplinarian consequences you use, it all
depends on *how* it is communicated and meant. The minute judgment
and criticism enters your mind, you will punish the child - guaranteed!
You have decided the child is wrong for doing what he/she did and
that gives you the right to punish. Even if the consequence is a simple
time-out... if delivered with an emotional charge it will come across
as punishment - the child will feel that they did something wrong.
The real underlying difference is the distinction between feedback
and judgment. Judgment invites a power-struggle, where as feedback
can be heard and acknowledged by just about anybody without an emotional
reaction.
Just take a minute and think about an example of how you yourself
might react... Let's say your boss calls you into his office and tells
you that you have to dress nicer in order to work in his business.
If he says it with judgment or criticism - where you feel to
be 'wrong' for dressing the way you do right now, it will bring out
resentment in you. You will most likely try to get back at him one
way or another because he made you wrong. His simple request has provoked
a power-struggle.
Now instead, let's say he states his request as a company policy
(nothing personal), and does not make you wrong for the way you currently
dress. He just simply points out what works within your office environment.
You most likely will be able to take that feedback and comply without
resentment. No big deal. It's easy to move towards what works without
a power struggle.
Sometimes however, you may give somebody pure feedback without judgment,
but they decide to take it personally. In that case, there is nothing
you can really do about that. Just stay emotionally unengaged yourself
and carry on with implementing the rule. If you don't let yourself
get pulled into a power-struggle, the other person eventually will
stop... it's boring to fight all by yourself!
The same is true when you work with your child. Set up rules and
consequences. If the rules are not followed, the consequences apply.
Plain and simple. You have to expect that these boundaries will be
tested. (It proves that your child is really smart!) But if you can
appreciate them for the test and still firmly hold them accountable
you will avoid the punishment pitfall.
(C) 2005 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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