September 2005
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
1) At what age should I start
holding my child "accountable"?
2) Smart little Myla puts herself in time-out!
3) Does your child cry and refuse to sleep?
We've been getting a lot of emails this month and have
selected our newsletter topics based on the questions we
have heard the most. So I have devoted this issue to babies
and very young children.
Many thanks to all of you who have written.
At what age should I start
holding my child "accountable"?
Many parents have written to me saying something like, "My child
is 2 years old. Is it too early to start using your Mom Has Fun Parenting
Method?" To that I answer a resounding, "No!" I really
think we should start training our children from birth on. In my experience,
the earlier you start, the easier it is for both you and your child.
They will learn much faster, be happier, and you will have much more
fun!
I have seen many parents who have done nothing at all in the way
of training or establishing a habit of discipline during their child's
first two years. Unfortunately when a child is so very young the parents
don't experience this as a problem and all seems well in paradise,
until...
Around age 1-1/2 or 2, a child's ego begins to develop (I explain
this more in Parenting Rule #1 Mom Has Fun!) and the toddler enters
the inevitable phase aptly named the "terrible twos". At
this point, the parents are often shocked and dismayed at the sudden
transformation of their angelic baby into a demanding uncooperative
uncontrollable little creature! This is when I often hear the first
desperate cries, "HELP! My son/daughter just won't listen!"
Of course it is never too late. Starting to train a child with the
Mom Has Fun Parenting Method at any age is always better than not.
It's just that the later you start, the harder it is since children
have already started to develop ineffective behavior habits.
If you have the opportunity to start from birth, I strongly urge
you to do so. The "terrible twos" can be reduced to a small
blip on the family radar rather than a major trauma for the whole
household.
Smart little Myla puts herself in time-out!
I just returned from Maui where my husband and I put on a 30-day
intensive residential training program every year. This year one lady
brought her 15-month-old little girl who was often in the training
room with us.
Now little Myla is very smart, quite advanced and unbelievably cute.
She was at the stage of "getting her legs" and beginning
to run about and really get into things. We introduced her to time-out
and she learned very quickly and easily.
One day during our morning yoga we had the outside training room
door open for air. I was standing right by the steps next to the door.
Myla crawled up the steps, looking back at me with big bright eyes,
a gorgeous smile and an expression like, "What are you going
to do about this?!"
I said, "Myla, No!" She of course continued moving right
on up the steps towards the door, gleefully looking back and expecting
a fun "chasing game" with me. Instead, I picked her up quickly,
looked her in the eyes, and with a very firm voice said, "Myla,
No! Time-out!" At the same time I sat her butt down on the floor
and gently pushed her head towards the floor.
Myla sensed instantly that this was clearly not a fun game! She looked
up at me with tears starting to well up in her eyes. I then picked
her up again, held her and told her she was great. After that, she
played happily during the whole meeting session, not attempting to
go for the door again.
But what was really amazing was how quickly she learned what time-out
meant. It got to the point where if she was toddling off into danger
or if she was getting into something we didn't want her into, we could
simply say, "Myla, No! Time-out!" Myla would then stop what
she was doing, sit down, and put her head in her lap all by herself!
She would wait a few seconds, then get up and toddle off in a different
direction with a big smile on her face. This was totally incredible
to watch!
The real point though, is how easy it is to get started with very
young children. The general rules are:
- Get their attention.
- Speak with intention.
- Gently take the child's head and push it to the floor while saying,
"No, time-out!"
- Time-out with little children should be short, often only 10-30
seconds.
Does your child cry and refuse to sleep?
Before discussing a plan for this situation, let me share with you
a short story that illustrates how much parents impact their children
with their own emotions, especially babies. (Also read Is
Your Baby Crying Because YOU Are Stressed?) Parents "share"
happiness, unhappiness, tiredness, etc. - the whole spectrum of emotions
whether we intend to or not!
One of the reasons why I decided to start sharing my parenting experience
was a visit to a friend of mine who had a 4-month-old baby. My friend
was an older Mom and absolutely delighted to have a baby. So was her
family. But when I went to visit them I found a family in complete
distress and very, very tired.
I found out that the reason for the tiredness was that the new baby
just would not sleep for more than two hours at a time and then only
at night. She would not sleep at all during the day. In order to get
her to sleep they had to put the baby in her car baby-seat and drive
around the block for about an hour! Everybody was totally exhausted!
Within minutes of talking to me, Mom was in tears. She could see
that she was so worried and afraid and fearful and tired, that fun
wasn't even part of her thinking anymore. I asked for her permission
to sit with the baby and give her a nap. My only condition was that
she or anybody else in the family could not come in to the baby's
room - even if it took quite a while.
It took two full hours until the little girl finally fell asleep,
plus a lot of patting her back and assuring her that things were fine
and she could go to sleep. At first she cried a lot and very loudly.
But my intention was clear. And because I was not engaging emotionally
with the baby she finally relaxed and fell asleep.
I was certainly the hero in that family for a while! But the next
step was to get that mother some relief...
I explained it to her and soon she could see how it works. By her
being so tired, worked up and worried all the time, it impacted the
baby to the point where she could not relax enough to fall asleep.
It very easily became a vicious cycle!
So if your child is not sleeping, the first step would be to check
with your health professional to make sure this is not due to any
sort of medical condition that would prevent normal sleep patterns.
If that is not the case then look also at what you are usually feeling
and how that "transmits" to your child. Then set a clear
intention to break the cycle. You can be loving and kind but you must
be firm and follow through.
First, make a plan... pick a date and mentally prepare yourself to
have a few rough and possibly loud nights. (If you live quite close
to others, you may even want to warn the neighbors!)
Your plan could look like this...
- The first three nights you go into the room and just sit with the
child without taking him out of the bed. Pat him on the back until
he falls back to sleep.
- The next two nights just go into the room. Do not touch him. Just
assure him with your voice that he is fine and can go back to sleep.
- Then comes the toughest one for everyone. Let him cry himself back
to sleep without you going back in his room at all. This sometimes
could take a few days and is terrible for the parents to stay firm
and go through with. But if you do this, your child will finally relax
and sleep through the night.
This is just an outline and a general suggestion. Make sure you develop
a plan that works for you - one that you feel good about and can really
follow through on. But I'm sure you can see the idea of having several
stages of gradually less and less attention to the crying until the
child finally learns to sleep through the night on his own. Depending
on the age of your child and how long the night-crying habit has gone
on, you may need to adjust your plan to be more gradual.
The stronger your intention, the easier this will be. A strong intention
can actually be felt by the child and the faster he will relax.
(C) 2005 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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