August 2005
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
1) Who's the boss? You or
your strong willed child?
2) Tips on giving your child a "time-out"
Who's the boss?
You or your "strong-willed" child?
I'm sure you've encountered (and perhaps have one of your own) what
could be called an exceptionally "strong-willed" child.
No easy-going cherub, this one. Instead, it seems like even the smallest
parental request inevitably turns into a major battle of the wills.
You're faced with stupendous temper tantrums often accompanied by
kicking and screaming whenever this little one does not get his or
her way.
Somehow your little genius always seems to sense when you are quite
tired or in a hurry, giving them an added advantage in the power-struggle
game. Some kids even ramp up their antics a notch or two when in public
for maximum effect and leverage!
What on earth is a parent to do??
If you try to bribe them, bargain with them, reason with them or
simply give in out of embarrassment, then the child's demanding behavior
is more likely to increase. They're learning that if they are determined
enough, they will eventually "win" and get their way.
The biggest challenge for you is to not get emotionally engaged in
the power struggle and to stay curious. In this case a big curiosity
is how to guide such a strong-willed child without breaking their
spirit.
Having a strong will in adult life can be a great advantage. However,
there is a big difference between being strong-willed and controlling.
To be controlling seldom leads to fulfillment and happiness.
A strong-willed child still has to learn (and can learn!) how to
live in a community where he/she is not the boss. If your child has
been the boss for a while, you have a little bit of work before you.
Be patient, as it will not change from one day to the other yet. But
no matter what age it is doable and will be quite a service to your
child. It actually comes as a relief to many young children when they
can start focusing their genius on something other then running the
entire household!
Here are the steps I would try to take first:
1. Establish who is in charge.
The person in charge sets up the boundaries and consequences according
to what works for her/him. Things always go the way it works best
and is most fun for the person in charge.
( I won't go into much detail here on setting rules and consequences
since that is covered in the book and also in the free eClass Click HERE to sign-up
)
2. Communicate the rules and consequences clearly.
However, with a strong-willed child who has become used to "being
the boss", it is recommended you start with a very simple-to-follow
rule. Preferably pick something doable at home when you do not have
an audience and you have plenty of time.
Example (works best with a child age 3-12): Rule: Follow instructions
right away. Consequence: Time out, and then a cleaning assignment.
What you can expect...
Of course the rule has to be tested. And since the child has been
the boss for so long, most likely he will NOT follow this rule! Let's
say you tell your child to pick up his toy and put it in his room
and he is ignoring you...
- Pick him up and make eye contact. Tell him: "You are not
following instructions. The consequence for this is a time-out until
you ready to go clean the sink in the bathroom!"
- Make sure you talk in a firm voice and make eye contact. However
do it without getting engaged into a power struggle.
- Put the child in time-out until they are ready to do their consequence,
the cleaning assignment. (See the following newsletter topic for
more pointers on time-outs.)
Again, with a very strong-willed child or one that is used to running
the show, the time-out itself will be a test of wills - so prepare
yourself for a challenge. At first you may have to physically sit
with a small child while in time-out, especially if this is new to
them.
Your firmness and determination will make this process much easier.
If the child can feel that he cannot win this one, he will eventually
give in. But I have seen 4-year-old children sitting in time-out for
5 hours before finally deciding to go and do their consequence!
The good news is, you usually only have to sit with a young child
for the first 1/2 hour, and then they will be sitting by themselves.
It should not matter to you if your child decides to sit in time-out
for a long time. Do not get emotionally engaged. Just keep checking
in with him periodically to see if he is ready for the cleaning assignment.
If you do not fight him back, he eventually will be ready to go and
do his assignment.
Once you win this first encounter, things should go a little easier.
Move slowly on towards establishing more and more rules, but only
establish what you are really ready to follow through with - 100%
completely! Be your word, and always be the boss.
Personally, I love strong-willed children. It is so amazing to watch
their genius and dogged determination. If you can shift your mindset
from exasperation to appreciation, you may find your job much easier.
Remember, your child must get that strong will from somewhere!
Tips on giving your child
a "time-out"
** What does a time-out really look like?
- To be effective, a time-out is an immediate instant feedback
technique that is done right where the child is. The child simply
sits on the floor with hands on knees. The rule is to sit quietly
until you are "done". Note that if you are putting a child
in another room or behind closed doors, then this has much more
of a punishment tone and is not what we are after.
- The adult-in-charge always decides whether or not the child is
"done" with the time-out. The simplest way to determine
this is to ask the child. For example, "Are you ready to follow
instructions?" or "Are you ready to... (whatever the child
was in time-out for)?"
It doesn't need to be a particular number of minutes or any type
of formula. In fact, having a formula (like 3-year-olds 3 minutes,
5-year-olds 5 minutes, etc.) usually doesn't work well since the curiosity
is lost when it becomes rigid. A 10-year-old may be ready to come
out of time-out in only 2 minutes, and I have witnessed a 5-year-old
sit in time-out for hours before they decided they were ready. If
there is a second part to the consequence (like a cleaning assignment),
then usually "done" is when the child is ready to perform
their assignment.
** What's the point of a time-out?
- The point is to stop the child's world to calm them down. This
is an immediate instant feedback. It helps the child learn to make
distinctions between what works and what doesn't work for the person-in-charge.
** Isn't it just a different form of punishment?
- The honest answer here is that it depends on you. If your intent
is to punish (the child is bad/wrong and you are emotionally engaged),
then anything you do at that point will be felt as a punishment.
But if you remain unengaged emotionally, it's much easier to calmly
and lovingly honor your child's "choice" - they simply
chose the time-out consequence over the household rule.
** What if the child won't sit quietly in time-out?
- If your child is not willing to sit down on his own, sit down
behind him and gently but firmly hold him. If you have to do that,
do not talk to him, explain or argue. Simply stay calm and firm.
The only thing you can ask from time to time is: "Are you ready
to sit here quietly by yourself?"
- Remember that your child is actually counting on you to be more
determined than they are. It actually brings a sense of relief and
relaxation into their systems when they know they can trust you.
I also always recommend not getting too wordy when holding a child
accountable. They do not need a lecture or explanations or justifications.
They are just interested to see if you keep your word and follow through
consistently. If you do that it builds a much safer environment for
them.
(C) 2005 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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