July 2005
Mom Has Fun Parenting News
1) Welcome!!
2) Parenting in our fast changing world.
3) Learn the rules so you know how
to break them properly.
4) Announcement
WELCOME to the first issue of Mom Has Fun
Parenting News!!
Dear Parents,
Since this is our very first mailing, I'd like to take a minute to
make sure you know why you are receiving this email... You've been
placed on this list because you either signed up for my Mom Has Fun
Parenting Newsletter, purchased a book from me, or responded to a
previous email from me on the topic of parenting.
I apologize for not emailing you sooner, but we have had to
convert over to a completely different email broadcast service.
This new service will actually give you more control. You can
always update your personal information whenever you want, or
unsubscribe at any time.
We hate spam as much as you do! Your private link to your
information will always be automatically included at the bottom
of every email we send to you. We will never give or sell your
information to anyone else.
So now with those formalities out of the way, let's get
started!
Parenting in our fast changing world
We now live in such a fast changing world, that it is extremely
important to be able to adapt quickly to new circumstances.
Some experts say that one of the most important tools we can
teach our kids is the ability to respond and adapt both quickly
and easily to change.
I agree completely -- because there is absolutely no way for
you as parent to know what situations your children will
themselves have to deal with as they become adults and parents.
The key to having a high level of adaptability is being able to
RESPOND to change rather than REACT. And the ability to do this
has to do with your level of emotional intelligence. So,
developing a strong emotional intelligence in your child and
teaching your child how to respond, rather then react to the
impact of life, will give them a HUGE head start towards a
successful and happy life.
One of the essential tools I recommend for building your child's
emotional intelligence is to set up household rules and consequences
in advance. If you have my book, "Parenting Rule #1: Mom
Has Fun!" this process is outlined in chapter 8.
However, I just recently created a 4-part FREE eClass that describes,
in much more detail, how to set up the rules and consequences in your
household. Since this information is so vital and so basic to Mom
Has Fun Parenting, I am making this eClass available to everyone --
absolutely free of charge.
I heartily recommend that you all take this short eClass and get
those rules written up and posted on the fridge! You'll be absolutely
amazed at the benefit your entire family gets from this simple process.
If you'd like the free eClass,
Click HERE to sign-up
You'll see a sign-up window that slides in and offers you the
class. Or, if you'd rather, send a blank email to:
morefun-eclass.news@aweber.com
"Learn the rules so you know how to
break them properly," the Dali Lama
This topic was inspired by a question from a new subscriber. She
says, "I need to learn to value the children who question
me and challenge my rules..."
This is an excellent question and one that many parents
struggle with. It's quite a challenge to not take their
behavior personally!
It shows nicely that every rule needs to have a consequence
with it, and you as a parent need to be totally OK with
whatever your child chooses -- the appropriate behavior or the
consequence. If you can do this in a way where you neither
judge the child nor engage emotionally, and your consequence is
not really fun for them, there is a good chance that after a
while the child will choose to work within the rule.
Whenever I set up a rule, I absolutely EXPECT it to be broken!
I am curious on HOW they break it and often am quite intrigued
by the "emotional game" and power of the child trying to
get me
engaged into a power struggle. If they are able to get me
engaged we always both lose. So my goal is to stand firm and
apply the consequence... but without getting "hooked"
emotionally, which would turn the consequence into punishment.
Here's an example...
A while ago, my 4-year-old Lydia, did not want to take her swim
lesson. Her teacher was coming only for her. It was her 6th
lesson and all the previous lessons she had done fine. But that
day she decided she did not want to swim.
Since I am paying for the lesson, I insisted that she go
swimming. She was standing by the pool crying, saying, "I do
not want to go swimming!" I could feel the challenge she set
up
- it was not about swimming -- it was about who is going to win
this one!
I did not have a rule and consequence set up for this behavior
in advance, so I had to create one on the spot (this is the
most difficult situation, but obviously you can't anticipate
everything!). The rule was she had to swim when her teacher was
here. The consequence for choosing not to swim was to get a
"time out" followed by a cleaning assignment.
I was able to be very firm with her without getting engaged. I
told the swim teacher that it was OK with me if Lydia picked
the consequence (by deciding not to swim) and I said I would
still pay for the lesson regardless. Lydia was trying hard to
get me engaged... she wanted it to go HER way.
She got into the water, but still would not do what she was
supposed to. So, I finally took her out and applied the
consequence. She first had to do her time-out until she was
ready to do her cleaning consequence. Lydia sat in time-out
crying, pulling for attention. After a while, she decided she
was done and ready to do her cleaning assignment -- cleaning
the floor under a corner bench with a sponge.
She did that for a little bit and then informed me that she was
tired. I told her she was not done and had to go finish her job
first. That brought on some more crying while she continued
cleaning. Then we broke for lunch. After lunch she informed me
that she was going to finish her job and went back to cleaning
all by herself. She was almost done, yet there was still a
small wet spot left under the bench.
I told her that she had done a great job, yet had to finish
that one little bit. That brought on more crying and a flat
refusal to finish the task, since she had decided she was done.
At that point I told her, "OK Lydia, you have a choice again
--
you can either go and finish your job by cleaning that one last
spot, or go to bed and take a nap."
Since she continued with the tantrum, I took that as choosing
to go to bed and went to lay her down. She was crying in bed
and asked, "Mommy, when are you going to love me again?"
I gave
her a kiss told her to relax and sleep, and also told her that
I always will love her. I explained that I just did not agree
with certain behavior -- like not swimming when the swim
teacher was here, not finishing your assignment, etc.
She gave me a big hug, and still crying a little bit fell
asleep. Two hours later she woke up in a great mood. Since then
we have had no problems with swim lessons! And I am ready for
the next power challenge.
Here are some important things to learn from this story...
I think it is very important for children to have a "choice"
to
break the rules or not, and equally important for you to be OK
with whichever choice they make. From this, your child has a
chance to learn from experience and learn how to make smart
choices. Also, see if you can mentally shift into a state of
curiosity and appreciation when your child chooses to break a
rule. Admire their creativity and the fact that they are
actively learning and growing. This will help keep you from
falling into an emotional reaction to their behavior.
Another thing to notice from this story is that I did not let
Lydia get by with not doing her consequence 100%. This is VERY
important! The tendency is to think, "Well, that's good
enough," or "She's just a little kid, it's OK." Realize
that
your kids most likely know EXACTLY what they are doing and have
left the "little spot" on purpose to see if you will or
won't
call them on it! If you let them slide and not follow through
completely, then that's exactly what they will learn -- that
they can push the limits and not really complete things in
life. This will encourage them to push and push even more in
the future and teach them to always just do enough to "get by".
The eBook down-loadable version of my book, "Parenting Rule
#1: Mom Has Fun!" is now available in both English and German.
(We are working on Spanish as well, but it's not quite ready yet.)
This makes the information more available to many more people - especially
those who live where shipping is often more than the cost of the book!
If you know anyone who might be interested in the English
version, send them to:
www.morefunlessworkparenting.com
For the German version, send them to:
http://www.mamahatspass.com
(C) 2005 Mom Has Fun Education. All rights reserved.
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